One of the most important relationships we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves. How we see and think about ourselves determines how we treat ourselves, and to great degree who we are attracted to. Although there are many dimensions of self-perception, one of the most interesting is the concept of self love and “lovability”. Are you lovable? Unlovable? Why or why not? If you think that you are unlovable, you will be, because you have already condemned yourself in your own mind. Other people can sense this about you and usually treat you accordingly. Why then, do so many of us carry the belief that we are worthless, undeserving, or unlovable? It’s a myth! Those of us who are plagued by these myths, often live out the script that we are: not enough, not good enough, not worthy (or worthless), undeserving of love, unlovable, or somehow irreparably flawed. The truth is that there is no such thing as a worthless human being! We are all someone of value and we all deserve to give and receive love unconditionally.
The problem is that the myth often persists in spite of rational understanding. You may not even be conscious of negative beliefs about yourself. You may even say out loud, “Sure, I love myself!” But you may find that the way you treat yourself doesn’t match up. If you look deep enough you may find yourself justifying why you don’t deserve to be loved (and perhaps that your job is only to give love), or why you are unlovable, or worthless, etc. One arena these issues seem to manifest in most readily is relationships. If I don’t believe I am lovable, then I may tend to seek out people who treat me as such. If I believe I am worthless, then I will naturally (but sometimes unconsciously) seek out and be attracted to people who treat me in way that is consistent with worthlessness. Conversely, it’s very difficult to allow people to love me when I see myself as unlovable. It just doesn’t fit. We seek out relationships that are congruent with our own self-image. We are generally attracted to people who treat us consistent with how we see ourselves.
Therapy and counseling can help you identify these myths, trace their origins, and help let them go and put them to rest once and for all. The implications of changing our views about ourselves are tremendous. The truth is that we are neither superior nor inferior to anyone–our real value lies in being ourselves. What would life be like if you could finally dispel the myth of the unlovable me? How would your relationships change? How would your behavior change?
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